It’s been awhile

It has been awhile since I posted,  so I thought I would just check in. Things have been crazy,  but in a good way.  We have taken a time that could’ve potentially broken us and made it into an anchor for us to build and learn from.  We discovered that as much as we thought we were communicating,  we were leaving the little things unsaid.  Now,  they may be fine on occasion,  but over time the little things build up and they can weigh heavily on you.  So we began writing to each other. We have two journals and we trade them nightly so we can read and respond. Writing has always been a good outlet for me. Something about seeing the words that have been trapped inside you is freeing. I am able to vent those little fits in ways that won’t damage us and he can do the same. Plus by writing to each other,  one has to hear the entire argument without being able to interrupt or veer off.  It allows you to see what they are feeling,  why they feel that way,  and possible ways to fix it. So because I have been writing and venting to him,  I haven’t needed this blog as an outlet as much.  I hope to continue it, however it feels almost like looking on a past life. I feel like I have lost myself and found myself at the same time.  I still yearn for certain aspects of what my life had become,  however I am excited by the possibilities my future holds. Have you ever felt that way?  What are you supposed to do with it?  I plan to try and write weekly,  possibly changing the theme,  haven’t decided yet.  If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.  I think I know where I want to end up,  just have to figure out the path that gets me there. I hope you have a wonderful day. 


Time flies

Time flies when you are having fun, and working 50 hours,  and there are holidays and family visiting!  I can’t believe it is already the new year!  We rang in the new year right 😉 I hope all of you did as well. 
The holidays were actually kind of stressful this year,  between trying to mesh our families together,  trying to be respectful to our families when it comes to pda, and trying to still be affectionate towards each other.  It is easy to say that you don’t care what they think and just be openly affectionate…. yeah ok. My dad,  though he understands that I am an adult,  would rather not have to witness the fact that I am an adult.  So in order to make him feel more comfortable,  and to keep my boyfriend’s head firmly attached to his shoulders,  we cut that shit out. Of course then we feel that lack of affection and it makes us crave it more.  Also if your dad is sleeping on your couch, loud, rough sex is out of the question,  so we were careful about that too. Usually any pent up aggression from the day is taken out on each other that night,  so all that was now in play.  Thus our holiday was a little more stressful.  However,  we have now survived the holiday season and it is back to business as usual.
We are planning on setting up a doctor’s appointment to see why baby making is difficult for us. I am thinking it is all the scar tissue on my ovaries from the cysts… we shall see I guess.
Have a great 2015 and I plan on writing more.

Almost a year

I don’t talk about this much,  but it has been on my mind today.  Last January I miscarried with my old Dom’s child.  It was really early in the pregnancy so there was no need for a DNC. It was very hard for me to come to terms with this loss.  I tried to play it off in my mind as a fluke,  or a really long, 16 day,  heavy period. I know that in the end it was for the best, however,  there are still times that I would love to meet this little child that would’ve been a combination of us.  I have learned through my my son that you don’t have to be with the other parent in order to give a child all the love and support they need. 
I still want to have another child.  We have actually been trying and are planning on making an appointment if it hasn’t happened naturally by July.  I guess that is why it has been at the forefront of my mind. I know that I have found a good partner now and that I won’t have to raise this child alone should we actually be able to conceive. In fact, at the time when we had one other scare knowing that I was coming out of a relationship with my old Dom and that the child wouldn’t be his,  my current Dom was ready to claim the child and raise it as his own.  That ended up just being a cyst/endometriosis but it meant a lot that he was willing.
This is just a very emotional time and I am venting mostly.  This is the time of year my son was born,  the time of year that I began my divorce,  my ex has a new baby being born this year, and I lost a baby all within the next two calendar months…
Things keep moving forward though and I believe this Christmas will be amazing,  mostly cause I am not waiting on a phone call that never comes…

Ripped Seams…

I start to get better, I start to not flinch every time I see that model car drive past. I start to not ache when I hear the songs we used to play for each other.  I start to appreciate the fact that you and your new sub are happy.  I accept that you have moved on and found new joy…. then a single act throws everything out of whack!  A single new song sounds like it is written by you, or a single missed phone call brings your name back into my sights.  And the crazy part is,  it is probably all in my head. It is probably an accident. I was told that you moved on and even though it hurt I knew it was what was right and best for everyone.  I knew that she could do what I couldn’t do.  She could wait.  And I hope that she treats those precious kids like they are gold, or if she won’t I pray you save them the heartache.  I hope that your family is more forgiving to her than they were to me.  I pray that you are happy,  cause I obviously couldn’t fill that void.  If I had truly made you happy,  you wouldn’t have given me a reason to walk away.  I am just ranting cause these feelings can’t be bottled.  I am happy,  truly happy.  I am able to be an open book and not have to hide anything from anyone. I hate having to keep my life secret,  I hate having tension in my family and now I don’t. 
The only secrets that I keep are the ones of our past.  The ones that make me miss you.  The ones that are too deep and dark to share.  when I walked away it was because there was no question that we were done. There was no trust and without trust there is no love.  Especially in the type of relationship we wanted to build.  “I am not made of stone” though, and there will still be pain.  It will still hurt and I will still wonder why I wasn’t good enough for you to just be honest with me, however, life is better this way. I wish you all the happiness, and I know you probably never spare me a thought. I am working on doing the same….

BDSM checklist

So it is not really mandatory that people fill one of these out,  but when with a new partner I believe it is important to know certain limits.  This is about the best checklist I have found,  and trust me I have looked around.  It gives several options but is very easy to read.  If you are interested you can go to the link below and see what you really are ok with, what you want more of,  or what you definitely could do without!  Enjoy my lovelies.

Missing What You Despise

It is hard to explain to someone who has never been there,  but there are times that I miss the things/people that I despise.  There are times that I wonder if I had just held on could I have changed them.  Then I see posts like this


And I feel like a fraud.  I truly did love my old Dom.  I fought tooth and nail to be with him,  but I could only take so much.  So I let him go.  That was a hard decision, I knew I was giving up the dreams we had created together, but u also knew that he hadn’t kept a single promise to me either.  He lied at every turn,  after we broke up I found out that he was 36 not 28. So don’t get me wrong I fought,  of that there is no doubt.  It is just trying to come to terms with the fact that there is only so much that you can take before you have to let you go.  You can’t keep holding on to every word,  every promise,  isolating yourself for someone who can’t make time for you. So I miss our good times,  and the laughs we shared, I miss seeing our kids smile together and play, I loved showing him how good life could be.  That does not mean that I want to be back with him and go through all the heartaches again.  That does not mean that I will break myself to fix him.  I have found my “one day.” The one who builds me up instead of tearing me down.  The one who fights for me and defends me, and I know I don’t deserve him but I will try my damnedest to be good enough for him, because he tries to be the best version of himself for me.


So in a way you win,  cause you introduced me into this lifestyle,  so you will always be forever etched into my life.  You opened up something everyone else had been to scared to touch before, so thank you for that.


New day, new Dom

One of the hardest things to open up to your partner about, in my opinion/experience,  is that of what we want in the bedroom. We all have a dirty little slut that lives in our minds,  and she can have some pretty outlandish desires.  It is very rare that someone digs deep enough to find her, but when they do… oh god… the sex that follows is amazing. 
With my current partner, things were very vanilla and I was honestly getting frustrated.  I was walking away from a former life, and trying to leave it in the past.  So I found a man,  who wasn’t afraid to stand up for himself or me to anyone (family included), who was actually single instead of proclaiming to be,  and who was honest to a fault.  However, while all those traits were exactly what I was looking for,  he was also very vanilla… but hey, you win done you lose some right?  Wrong!  I was to the point that I was going to explode if this didn’t change.  I wanted it rough,  I wanted to be commanded,  my dirty little slut was getting out of control… and that’s when it happened.  I reached my breaking point while we were having sex,  and I took over.  I became slightly dominate to see if he would fight back.  I tested him subconsciously and he passed with flying colors.  Every time I pushed,  he pushed back harder, every time I moved he moved me back the way he wanted.  Afterwards, I began to wonder how I should bring up the idea of us creating a semi BDSM relationship to see if he would enjoy it as I do.  I found the easiest way was to actually send him a picture that I had found on pintrest of all places


He knew that previously I had been in a DD/lg relationship.  He had detested the idea before,  but after he had experienced a taste he was curious.  I shared with him that true ideas of what it means.  Not what it is made out to be.  What the general public believe of BDSM is not how it always is.  And the amount can vary from relationship to relationship.  Had we stayed together, the last relationship was more of a 24/7 variation,  while I knew that with my current it would be a bedroom only kind of thing.  I slowly started introducing him to the idea,  and eventually curiosity got the best of him and he did his own research.  Afterwards he came to me and apologized for what he had said before,  and that he now understood what I was wanting and that he wanted it too.  We are still growing with each other and have been sticking with the more vanilla side of it,  but he is a caring and firm Dom. The only side he hasn’t fully explored yet are the true punishments.  We are still testing limits to find where each other stand, but this is definitely a new day breaking,  and I couldn’t be happier.

For you

There are times that I wonder
if you still think of me
Or have you decided to move on
And truly let me be.

There are times that I wonder
If your love was ever true
Or a great sturdy facade
Fabricated by you.

There are times that I wonder
did you ever care?
Cause I could’ve sworn
I saw longing in your stare.

There are times that I wonder
If you ever grieve
For the future that could’ve been
If you hadn’t made me leave.

There are times that I wonder
If you miss my gentle touch
Or the feeling you would hear in
“I miss you oh so much.”

None of it matters now
The past is dead and done
But I still have my memories
Every. Single. One.


Quitting smoking!

So I am going to quit smoking.  But I am not going to tell anyone around me. I am just not going to bring it up.  If they notice, they notice but if not that’s fine too. I am trying to think of another outlet. I am thinking that puzzles or something else to take that little break to myself will be good.  I think this is a good step in taking better care of myself.  So right now I am having my last cigarette…. let’s see how this goes…

Our variation of DD/lg