New day, new Dom

One of the hardest things to open up to your partner about, in my opinion/experience,  is that of what we want in the bedroom. We all have a dirty little slut that lives in our minds,  and she can have some pretty outlandish desires.  It is very rare that someone digs deep enough to find her, but when they do… oh god… the sex that follows is amazing. 
With my current partner, things were very vanilla and I was honestly getting frustrated.  I was walking away from a former life, and trying to leave it in the past.  So I found a man,  who wasn’t afraid to stand up for himself or me to anyone (family included), who was actually single instead of proclaiming to be,  and who was honest to a fault.  However, while all those traits were exactly what I was looking for,  he was also very vanilla… but hey, you win done you lose some right?  Wrong!  I was to the point that I was going to explode if this didn’t change.  I wanted it rough,  I wanted to be commanded,  my dirty little slut was getting out of control… and that’s when it happened.  I reached my breaking point while we were having sex,  and I took over.  I became slightly dominate to see if he would fight back.  I tested him subconsciously and he passed with flying colors.  Every time I pushed,  he pushed back harder, every time I moved he moved me back the way he wanted.  Afterwards, I began to wonder how I should bring up the idea of us creating a semi BDSM relationship to see if he would enjoy it as I do.  I found the easiest way was to actually send him a picture that I had found on pintrest of all places

image

He knew that previously I had been in a DD/lg relationship.  He had detested the idea before,  but after he had experienced a taste he was curious.  I shared with him that true ideas of what it means.  Not what it is made out to be.  What the general public believe of BDSM is not how it always is.  And the amount can vary from relationship to relationship.  Had we stayed together, the last relationship was more of a 24/7 variation,  while I knew that with my current it would be a bedroom only kind of thing.  I slowly started introducing him to the idea,  and eventually curiosity got the best of him and he did his own research.  Afterwards he came to me and apologized for what he had said before,  and that he now understood what I was wanting and that he wanted it too.  We are still growing with each other and have been sticking with the more vanilla side of it,  but he is a caring and firm Dom. The only side he hasn’t fully explored yet are the true punishments.  We are still testing limits to find where each other stand, but this is definitely a new day breaking,  and I couldn’t be happier.

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For you

There are times that I wonder
if you still think of me
Or have you decided to move on
And truly let me be.

There are times that I wonder
If your love was ever true
Or a great sturdy facade
Fabricated by you.

There are times that I wonder
did you ever care?
Cause I could’ve sworn
I saw longing in your stare.

There are times that I wonder
If you ever grieve
For the future that could’ve been
If you hadn’t made me leave.

There are times that I wonder
If you miss my gentle touch
Or the feeling you would hear in
“I miss you oh so much.”

None of it matters now
The past is dead and done
But I still have my memories
Every. Single. One.

-Katie

Quitting smoking!

So I am going to quit smoking.  But I am not going to tell anyone around me. I am just not going to bring it up.  If they notice, they notice but if not that’s fine too. I am trying to think of another outlet. I am thinking that puzzles or something else to take that little break to myself will be good.  I think this is a good step in taking better care of myself.  So right now I am having my last cigarette…. let’s see how this goes…

Starting Fresh

So here I am crying in line at the bank.  I feel crazy.  I know that I am better off and at the end I was so unhappy.  I felt worthless.  I felt used.  I felt abandoned.  Despite all of that,  I still mourn the relationship that was never meant to be.  I miss the glint in his eyes when he was thinking something dirty about me in public, I miss the tender way he would hold me when he actually showed up,  I miss the way our heartbeats would sync when we would lay together.  I am mad that he wouldn’t change,  I am mad at myself for thinking it would be different this time. I am mad at myself for not listening to those closest to me,  and I am mad at them for being right.  I hate myself for crying,  I hate myself for trusting the wrong person again.  I wish I could just shut off my feelings. Why won’t my heart listen to logic?  Why should I care of he doesn’t? Why can’t I let anyone but myself take the blame for this?  Because that is not my nature.  Even now,  I won’t admit to anyone the pain that is tearing me into pieces.  I will act fine cause I have to be fine.  I will recover from this.  I will move on, but until then I cry like a little girl.  I let the teardrops draw at the poison drop by drop. I process everything slowly but surely.  I will recover. I have to…

Our variation of DD/lg